more musings...
Dear Hakaryu,
Ok let's try this again but not in the Html part..
You know it's funny I recently realized how little I meant to a whole group of people and here I am suddenly feeling much much more loved by a greater group of people than I thought..so thank you, YukiHakkai, GoyjoHiro and Chibi, DK,and of course TohmaMakubeX...it's much harder to miss the temple I came from that is no longer there when I wouldn't rather be anywhere but on the road with all of you...
Hakkai and I were talking yesterday(who by the way when waxing philosophical can say the most brilliant things)..I was sliding into grumpy monk who is soon coming on a pretty BIG birthday mode...and I tried to explain to him how scary life had become because there is no going back to the life I knew growing up but there also doesn't seem to be any set path ahead of me...you know like in High School you can see college or straight to the workforce as clear options and there is an easy comfort about having those choices in front of you...or as a child when you just know you want to be Santa Claus or a pilot or a candy maker(yeah, those were all some of mine) and you see "clearly" what the path involves...
but now I sit here in this house and do the things I do and it's like either way I turn there's a vacuum on either side of me and it makes me frightened and a little sad...Hakkai was so loving and he says to me he understands but that it is a good thing... that now I am truly free to have my dreams...
and then he asked me what my dreams were and how he wanted me to tell him all about them in a way that made me feel so happy and sad at the same time beacause right now I feel like a big dreamer who is a big fake..why? beacause I don't think I have any dreams...
Hakkai just smiles the smile only he poseesses and tells me that's why I'm free because I get to start dreaming all over again as the person I am now who is in some ways vastly different that who I was but still everybit of the person he fell in love with...then he uses the Saiyuki thing on me and tells me where we are is in the Jeep...and our dreams are on the horizon...and that is exactly where we want them and exactly where he wants to be..so it's ok to enjoy the ride and not get to caught up on where we are headed...we've overcome many things to be here together heading West...
maybe the fear comes from living out a dream fulfilled while searching for the next...
So, dreams change...you'd think I'd know that with as much as I believe in the power to change...but I've always been so afraid of changing my dreams...afraid that would make me a hypocrite.....
too many people who meant a great deal to me have faded away and this is why I've always feared it of every one I love...if any one out there does this STOP you are killing yourselves...I have spent my entire life being a dreamer...talking about and doing some of the craziest things...supporting friends in there craziest soulful notions...and this has been the truth... every word of it...
but the deeper belief I had was the REASON I was like that...why people loved me for it was because someday I would be able to give them so much back...I'd prove my worth and shower them with everything I could when I finally became something...yet the minute I became something that wasn't the SOMETHING they would get the most out of they vanished like melting ice slivers...then I go forward thinking I'm a hypocrite and a liar becuase I let THEM down......my optimism existed solely to make something wonderful down the line for them and I lost complete sight of myself...they think of me as dead to them mostly now or hate me with the passion of a thousand suns....they never got the return on the investment so to speak, so I've been running around clock watching fearing I would not become something or someone of worth in time before the next round(and the last ) of cherished people in my life gave up on me.......
But i think I am finally at the point where the people I hold close aren't waiting for anything...they love me now...not to say, they don't believe in me and know I could accomplish great things...but they aren't waiting for it...if I was gone today, they wouldn't miss what I could have given them but they'd miss me...just me...exactly who I am this moment, right now...so maybe I'm getting older but I think I like where I am and how much I've learned so far...and if at 29 I can absorb these truths then I'm out of the race with myself a lot sooner than most and it's time to just be really good at being the person they love right now
I guess it's time for this dreamer to really look at the horizon...
Ok let's try this again but not in the Html part..
You know it's funny I recently realized how little I meant to a whole group of people and here I am suddenly feeling much much more loved by a greater group of people than I thought..so thank you, YukiHakkai, GoyjoHiro and Chibi, DK,and of course TohmaMakubeX...it's much harder to miss the temple I came from that is no longer there when I wouldn't rather be anywhere but on the road with all of you...
Hakkai and I were talking yesterday(who by the way when waxing philosophical can say the most brilliant things)..I was sliding into grumpy monk who is soon coming on a pretty BIG birthday mode...and I tried to explain to him how scary life had become because there is no going back to the life I knew growing up but there also doesn't seem to be any set path ahead of me...you know like in High School you can see college or straight to the workforce as clear options and there is an easy comfort about having those choices in front of you...or as a child when you just know you want to be Santa Claus or a pilot or a candy maker(yeah, those were all some of mine) and you see "clearly" what the path involves...
but now I sit here in this house and do the things I do and it's like either way I turn there's a vacuum on either side of me and it makes me frightened and a little sad...Hakkai was so loving and he says to me he understands but that it is a good thing... that now I am truly free to have my dreams...
and then he asked me what my dreams were and how he wanted me to tell him all about them in a way that made me feel so happy and sad at the same time beacause right now I feel like a big dreamer who is a big fake..why? beacause I don't think I have any dreams...
Hakkai just smiles the smile only he poseesses and tells me that's why I'm free because I get to start dreaming all over again as the person I am now who is in some ways vastly different that who I was but still everybit of the person he fell in love with...then he uses the Saiyuki thing on me and tells me where we are is in the Jeep...and our dreams are on the horizon...and that is exactly where we want them and exactly where he wants to be..so it's ok to enjoy the ride and not get to caught up on where we are headed...we've overcome many things to be here together heading West...
maybe the fear comes from living out a dream fulfilled while searching for the next...
So, dreams change...you'd think I'd know that with as much as I believe in the power to change...but I've always been so afraid of changing my dreams...afraid that would make me a hypocrite.....
too many people who meant a great deal to me have faded away and this is why I've always feared it of every one I love...if any one out there does this STOP you are killing yourselves...I have spent my entire life being a dreamer...talking about and doing some of the craziest things...supporting friends in there craziest soulful notions...and this has been the truth... every word of it...
but the deeper belief I had was the REASON I was like that...why people loved me for it was because someday I would be able to give them so much back...I'd prove my worth and shower them with everything I could when I finally became something...yet the minute I became something that wasn't the SOMETHING they would get the most out of they vanished like melting ice slivers...then I go forward thinking I'm a hypocrite and a liar becuase I let THEM down......my optimism existed solely to make something wonderful down the line for them and I lost complete sight of myself...they think of me as dead to them mostly now or hate me with the passion of a thousand suns....they never got the return on the investment so to speak, so I've been running around clock watching fearing I would not become something or someone of worth in time before the next round(and the last ) of cherished people in my life gave up on me.......
But i think I am finally at the point where the people I hold close aren't waiting for anything...they love me now...not to say, they don't believe in me and know I could accomplish great things...but they aren't waiting for it...if I was gone today, they wouldn't miss what I could have given them but they'd miss me...just me...exactly who I am this moment, right now...so maybe I'm getting older but I think I like where I am and how much I've learned so far...and if at 29 I can absorb these truths then I'm out of the race with myself a lot sooner than most and it's time to just be really good at being the person they love right now
I guess it's time for this dreamer to really look at the horizon...
posted by just another soul heading west at 12:04 PM
1 Comments:
It occurs to me just now, as I read your amazingly deep post and the prolific comment in return... perhaps they could have made it west in a week, but the journey was more important than the destination.
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