Flood
Dear Hakaryu,
Today is a flood. A flood of emotion. Glad you are here to listen.
Rain is not in itself a bad thing unless you are the Sun. It can cool and it can nourish. But what happens to the Sun. It stays right where it is and continues to shine, it simply does there is nothing noble about it, it is made to do so. and when the storm clears and the rain has passed it will be there shining again. If the Sun had feelings this would be infinitely more difficult a task, if the Sun had hopes and dreams of it's own, and just lived for itself ...then the flood that would come would be it's fault, the rain would unchecked and leave nothing in it's wake and fury. Good thing the Sun doesn't refuse to shine after the storm where it is all but forgotten. It joins with the remnants of the rain and rainbows appear. Rainbows do not always appear and even then are they always beautiful if they sometimes are the result of a neglected Sun...
Five years ago today, shone a truly dazzling unhindered rainbow whose beauty is to this day unmatched. Back then, I was in someways stronger in most weaker but I knew what I wanted and after long suffering I got one day to be with the one I'd been in love with quite literally as long as I can remember. And that is the truth, I can retell the events the events of this day with the fuzzy clarity most people have when they speak of an event in their childhood. For me, most memory before that day is gone, I remember feelings of unconditional love, conditional love and empty loneliness but little else. But five years ago today shines like a gem with fine points of clarity...
Oddly enough, it was the first time Hakkai and I headed West together...just us no parents. no them...it took a lot of guts for me to ask him to go to the concert. And I told myself if he said no, I would stop trying and settle into the abusive control of the "relationship" I was in. I got two meals a day and was sometimes given presents when I was good and I was mostly left to rest after a particularly violent night. It was that or suicide and I was too afraid of the reprecussions of that...and after that summer I could barely stand on my own two feet...so when Hakkai said yes and offered to drive all the way to Wisconsin, I just wanted that one day of happiness with him. Even if like that other person said, he didn't really want me.
The day was perfect. Everything i could have hoped for. The kind of road trip with music and in'jokes and serious conversation and laughter and magic that makes you never want any one else as your travelling companion as long as you live. We ate at this place called Apple Holler, this whole place smelled of apples and home cooking, and the food was devestatingly good made better by the company. We wrote in the Upper realities and met a waitress named Sandy who seemed to read minds. and our seats were fantastic and the band never sounded better and every song seemed to tell us we should be together and...
what I realize now is that day had an unreal magic that maybe could never be repeated, but perhaps hakkai and I need to be careful...we can not judge every day by that yardstick though I think we both do...sometimes we ask too much of ourselves(what we are doing wrong) sometimes we ask too much of each other(if you cared more, that magic would still be there)...what made that day different I often wondered did we love each other more than we do now...what made that magic...what made the sun shine on that day...ah you think this where my brilliance shines through and i speak a wise truth...sorry not today....
All I know is I love Hakkai beyond expression and together we've seen a lot of rainbows and most of them have been beautiful...and I hope the one I see over the near horizon is too...
Today is a flood. A flood of emotion. Glad you are here to listen.
Rain is not in itself a bad thing unless you are the Sun. It can cool and it can nourish. But what happens to the Sun. It stays right where it is and continues to shine, it simply does there is nothing noble about it, it is made to do so. and when the storm clears and the rain has passed it will be there shining again. If the Sun had feelings this would be infinitely more difficult a task, if the Sun had hopes and dreams of it's own, and just lived for itself ...then the flood that would come would be it's fault, the rain would unchecked and leave nothing in it's wake and fury. Good thing the Sun doesn't refuse to shine after the storm where it is all but forgotten. It joins with the remnants of the rain and rainbows appear. Rainbows do not always appear and even then are they always beautiful if they sometimes are the result of a neglected Sun...
Five years ago today, shone a truly dazzling unhindered rainbow whose beauty is to this day unmatched. Back then, I was in someways stronger in most weaker but I knew what I wanted and after long suffering I got one day to be with the one I'd been in love with quite literally as long as I can remember. And that is the truth, I can retell the events the events of this day with the fuzzy clarity most people have when they speak of an event in their childhood. For me, most memory before that day is gone, I remember feelings of unconditional love, conditional love and empty loneliness but little else. But five years ago today shines like a gem with fine points of clarity...
Oddly enough, it was the first time Hakkai and I headed West together...just us no parents. no them...it took a lot of guts for me to ask him to go to the concert. And I told myself if he said no, I would stop trying and settle into the abusive control of the "relationship" I was in. I got two meals a day and was sometimes given presents when I was good and I was mostly left to rest after a particularly violent night. It was that or suicide and I was too afraid of the reprecussions of that...and after that summer I could barely stand on my own two feet...so when Hakkai said yes and offered to drive all the way to Wisconsin, I just wanted that one day of happiness with him. Even if like that other person said, he didn't really want me.
The day was perfect. Everything i could have hoped for. The kind of road trip with music and in'jokes and serious conversation and laughter and magic that makes you never want any one else as your travelling companion as long as you live. We ate at this place called Apple Holler, this whole place smelled of apples and home cooking, and the food was devestatingly good made better by the company. We wrote in the Upper realities and met a waitress named Sandy who seemed to read minds. and our seats were fantastic and the band never sounded better and every song seemed to tell us we should be together and...
what I realize now is that day had an unreal magic that maybe could never be repeated, but perhaps hakkai and I need to be careful...we can not judge every day by that yardstick though I think we both do...sometimes we ask too much of ourselves(what we are doing wrong) sometimes we ask too much of each other(if you cared more, that magic would still be there)...what made that day different I often wondered did we love each other more than we do now...what made that magic...what made the sun shine on that day...ah you think this where my brilliance shines through and i speak a wise truth...sorry not today....
All I know is I love Hakkai beyond expression and together we've seen a lot of rainbows and most of them have been beautiful...and I hope the one I see over the near horizon is too...
posted by just another soul heading west at 3:40 AM
1 Comments:
Ah.. this is a mistake so many people come up against. They remember the day they fell in love (yes, you loved each other before, but that's the day you fell "in love" with each other) and they recall the sunshine and rainbows and chorus of angels... then they settle into life together & they think every day will be like that and they must not be in love anymore if they wake up once in a while & want to poke each other in the eye with their breakfast spoons. Not so. Love is neither easy nor blissfull. THis is yet another bullshit media propaganda scheme. Love takes work and commitment. Love means working thru those breakfast spoon days, those starvation days, those us v. them days and knowing at the end of the day you wouldn't ever even think of lying down to sleep beside anyone else. Being in love is the difference between dreading waking up the same person every day v. waking up to the same person every day & thanking God it wasn't a dream & they're still there.
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