When It Rains...
Dear Hakaryu...
It appears I haven't written here in quite some time but we need to talk. I'm at a loss..I love my life...I could not love hakkai more...but I am at a crossroads I don't want to be standing at. I have always been a fighter. I have always been ambitious. fancied myself the hero in my story.
I have a new fight to fight now. I don't need a doctor to tell me. With my symptoms I'm the freakin poster child for the condition. Years of wondering why do I feel like I'm recovering from a bad bout of the flu, mysterious aches and pains, sleepless nights, utter exhaustion with no reason...accusations of laziness...being called worthless...now I've discovered there is something people actually can get that follows this pattern...
Fibromyalgia it's called. It won't kill me that's the good news but it's also not the kind of youkai I can rid myself of with a flash of my banishing gun. No they don't know what actually causes it. And they don't know how to cure it. The only cure is to learn to live with it.
So the fight is not about ridding myself of it...that's the kind of fight someone like me understands. No it's a fight with Paperwork to prove I need to win my disability case...it's a fight with Finance and Fear ...the only way to prove I have it Imight have to subject myself to expensive doctor visits while they rule out the bigger scarier things until they say let me test these 18 pressure points
to see if since we can't find anything WRONG with you because maybe you have fibromyalgia...but most importantly it is the most devestating fight I've ever had with MYSELF...as I have to change every ambition, every expectation, every idea I have about what is accomplishment, success and dreams or I will go crazy or sink into the dark depression I've on again off again been trapped in.
And then there's the nightmare this might make Hakkai's life. I can't give him a normal life. There's are days I just am not good for anything. Days i can barely sit up to watch TV. I thought I could win and make days like that a thing of the past. But if this is what I am living with I have to give that up for a more realistic goal. More days that are better but absolute forgiveness for the days that aren't...and I don't know if I can do that. And I don't want to have to ask Hakkai to do that....Buddha i wish i could come up with something better to say than it's not fair...but that's where I am..a bitter childish roadblock on the journey without guidance I may never walk a mile further..I can be happy but I can't stop thinking how much more i could have done five... seven...years ago.
I have lost the victory of a fully realized piece of art that takes a few days instead I can't stop thinking i used to do whole pieces in a day. A two hour writing session doesn't seem like much of a nice thing for Hakkai when I guiltily remeber a time when people who didn't mean as much to me as he does got 8 hour session sometimes three times a week. And the killer is I'm a better writer and much more excited about my and Hakkai's work I just can't go that long at anything anymore. It's hard not to feel worthless and i don't understand what's happening but that's why I'm putting it here. This is more than an entry it is a prayer. Source, if you're listening tell me why...let me in on your secret. Where are we going from here???
It appears I haven't written here in quite some time but we need to talk. I'm at a loss..I love my life...I could not love hakkai more...but I am at a crossroads I don't want to be standing at. I have always been a fighter. I have always been ambitious. fancied myself the hero in my story.
I have a new fight to fight now. I don't need a doctor to tell me. With my symptoms I'm the freakin poster child for the condition. Years of wondering why do I feel like I'm recovering from a bad bout of the flu, mysterious aches and pains, sleepless nights, utter exhaustion with no reason...accusations of laziness...being called worthless...now I've discovered there is something people actually can get that follows this pattern...
Fibromyalgia it's called. It won't kill me that's the good news but it's also not the kind of youkai I can rid myself of with a flash of my banishing gun. No they don't know what actually causes it. And they don't know how to cure it. The only cure is to learn to live with it.
So the fight is not about ridding myself of it...that's the kind of fight someone like me understands. No it's a fight with Paperwork to prove I need to win my disability case...it's a fight with Finance and Fear ...the only way to prove I have it Imight have to subject myself to expensive doctor visits while they rule out the bigger scarier things until they say let me test these 18 pressure points
to see if since we can't find anything WRONG with you because maybe you have fibromyalgia...but most importantly it is the most devestating fight I've ever had with MYSELF...as I have to change every ambition, every expectation, every idea I have about what is accomplishment, success and dreams or I will go crazy or sink into the dark depression I've on again off again been trapped in.
And then there's the nightmare this might make Hakkai's life. I can't give him a normal life. There's are days I just am not good for anything. Days i can barely sit up to watch TV. I thought I could win and make days like that a thing of the past. But if this is what I am living with I have to give that up for a more realistic goal. More days that are better but absolute forgiveness for the days that aren't...and I don't know if I can do that. And I don't want to have to ask Hakkai to do that....Buddha i wish i could come up with something better to say than it's not fair...but that's where I am..a bitter childish roadblock on the journey without guidance I may never walk a mile further..I can be happy but I can't stop thinking how much more i could have done five... seven...years ago.
I have lost the victory of a fully realized piece of art that takes a few days instead I can't stop thinking i used to do whole pieces in a day. A two hour writing session doesn't seem like much of a nice thing for Hakkai when I guiltily remeber a time when people who didn't mean as much to me as he does got 8 hour session sometimes three times a week. And the killer is I'm a better writer and much more excited about my and Hakkai's work I just can't go that long at anything anymore. It's hard not to feel worthless and i don't understand what's happening but that's why I'm putting it here. This is more than an entry it is a prayer. Source, if you're listening tell me why...let me in on your secret. Where are we going from here???
posted by just another soul heading west at 8:13 AM
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