Forks in the road
Dear Hakaryu,
Without a doubt, today is a good day. I am not saying I've figured EVERYTHING out but I do believe I am on to something. Yesterday was wonderful and it wasn't because hakkai and I splurged spending most of the money we hadn't alotted to bills and Xmas. Something is difeerent and it's not just the peace of knowing work has become less strenuous for my companion. I know it sounds stupid but hakkai and I have lately been the unmovable object and the irriatable force in spite of how much we love each other and how much better we have it than we ever ever did.I have been doing some serious..and I mean serious soul-searching..and silly as it may seem it comes down to this. This is the part where I believe myself to be askew and I might be heading towards fixing it.To me in my heart of hearts I believe nothing about our love is or should be a sacrifice...so then I ask myself how is giving up my independence honoring our relationship when I swear Hakkai has brought so much more to my life than taken away...isn't the best way to show him what an effect his love has on me to soar to new heights and still see him as the inviting shelter from life's storms. Have I not been living my life like it is always raining, raining so hard heavy drops threaten to take me down and wash me away. Truth of it is, it is not always raining, is it? Hakkai doesn't just protect me from the rain, he makes it go away. And what do I do, act like I don't see or appreciate the clearing sky. No wonder those beautiful green eyes seem so sad or frustrated all the time, I still think I'm drowning in the river despite his best efforts to show me it is otherwise. This is not right. That is not the life I want to give to this wonderful man.
Happily I came to this epiphany, and friend there is no better word for it than that, yesterday and things have been quite different. have you ever gone some where to eat and because you chose a drink say water for instance, you could really taste the meal. Well that is sort of how this has become, we went to Carraba'a for dinner last night, I had the Pollo rose Chicken and it tastest like an entree three times as expensive...why because I was absolutely there enjoying Hakkai's smile(the real one that you can hear more than see), writing happily in our novel and not second guessing myself or him or anything...the chocalate thing we had for dessert was supurb, I honestly felt like love was so around and within us anyone near us was getting a contact high.we bought several albums on new release tuesday and decided to come home and listen to them and wite together more...I can tell you Jimmy Wayne, Dean Martin, and Vanessa Carlton played throughout the house and I thoroughly enjoyed each one...especially the one Hakkai had relaxed enough to ask for...something I've learned you can not force him to do...ask for things...
But where the real progress is soon to be seen is in how I handle home life. I think I've got it...at the least I know I'm not offended by Hakkai's need to be alone time anymore. Fact, there are things about myself I really can't change...ask me if I'd rather be doing any activity other than spending rime with my hakkai and the answer is a resounding NO. Okay, accepting that about myself, I have to see that hakkai's answer to the very same question is a quiet, truthful, non-vicious...yeah,sometimes.Really now who should compromise here...the one with less to lose. And that is me. Everyday Hakkai brings me joy, laughter, inspiration...than to be with him all the time is a preference not a need..not to the degree that he needs to have his sometimes,yes answer be okay and even embraced. So I need to really see that it has nothing to do with him wanting to e with me and everything to do with him wanting to know himself and maybe even enjoy the things my love creates for him in our life together(yeah that's right Sanzo, you might just be inspiring him, exciting him, have you ever considered that)...so I am taking steps to live most of our home life like this...at any given moment for the most part i can take or leave what I'm doing if Hakkai suddenly wants to do something together BUT should he need that sometimes, yes time and space... I will have more than enough to keep me busy AND I will value that time no less than our time together...because living one's life...being true to one's self simply becuase of the freedom and joy a special relationship creates is just as strong an expression of love as being attentive...at the least this is true for my beloved Hakkai...
I hope that answers your questions, my love. Am I ever going to love you the way you love me? Finally, I can. Finally, I will. Finally, I do
Without a doubt, today is a good day. I am not saying I've figured EVERYTHING out but I do believe I am on to something. Yesterday was wonderful and it wasn't because hakkai and I splurged spending most of the money we hadn't alotted to bills and Xmas. Something is difeerent and it's not just the peace of knowing work has become less strenuous for my companion. I know it sounds stupid but hakkai and I have lately been the unmovable object and the irriatable force in spite of how much we love each other and how much better we have it than we ever ever did.I have been doing some serious..and I mean serious soul-searching..and silly as it may seem it comes down to this. This is the part where I believe myself to be askew and I might be heading towards fixing it.To me in my heart of hearts I believe nothing about our love is or should be a sacrifice...so then I ask myself how is giving up my independence honoring our relationship when I swear Hakkai has brought so much more to my life than taken away...isn't the best way to show him what an effect his love has on me to soar to new heights and still see him as the inviting shelter from life's storms. Have I not been living my life like it is always raining, raining so hard heavy drops threaten to take me down and wash me away. Truth of it is, it is not always raining, is it? Hakkai doesn't just protect me from the rain, he makes it go away. And what do I do, act like I don't see or appreciate the clearing sky. No wonder those beautiful green eyes seem so sad or frustrated all the time, I still think I'm drowning in the river despite his best efforts to show me it is otherwise. This is not right. That is not the life I want to give to this wonderful man.
Happily I came to this epiphany, and friend there is no better word for it than that, yesterday and things have been quite different. have you ever gone some where to eat and because you chose a drink say water for instance, you could really taste the meal. Well that is sort of how this has become, we went to Carraba'a for dinner last night, I had the Pollo rose Chicken and it tastest like an entree three times as expensive...why because I was absolutely there enjoying Hakkai's smile(the real one that you can hear more than see), writing happily in our novel and not second guessing myself or him or anything...the chocalate thing we had for dessert was supurb, I honestly felt like love was so around and within us anyone near us was getting a contact high.we bought several albums on new release tuesday and decided to come home and listen to them and wite together more...I can tell you Jimmy Wayne, Dean Martin, and Vanessa Carlton played throughout the house and I thoroughly enjoyed each one...especially the one Hakkai had relaxed enough to ask for...something I've learned you can not force him to do...ask for things...
But where the real progress is soon to be seen is in how I handle home life. I think I've got it...at the least I know I'm not offended by Hakkai's need to be alone time anymore. Fact, there are things about myself I really can't change...ask me if I'd rather be doing any activity other than spending rime with my hakkai and the answer is a resounding NO. Okay, accepting that about myself, I have to see that hakkai's answer to the very same question is a quiet, truthful, non-vicious...yeah,sometimes.Really now who should compromise here...the one with less to lose. And that is me. Everyday Hakkai brings me joy, laughter, inspiration...than to be with him all the time is a preference not a need..not to the degree that he needs to have his sometimes,yes answer be okay and even embraced. So I need to really see that it has nothing to do with him wanting to e with me and everything to do with him wanting to know himself and maybe even enjoy the things my love creates for him in our life together(yeah that's right Sanzo, you might just be inspiring him, exciting him, have you ever considered that)...so I am taking steps to live most of our home life like this...at any given moment for the most part i can take or leave what I'm doing if Hakkai suddenly wants to do something together BUT should he need that sometimes, yes time and space... I will have more than enough to keep me busy AND I will value that time no less than our time together...because living one's life...being true to one's self simply becuase of the freedom and joy a special relationship creates is just as strong an expression of love as being attentive...at the least this is true for my beloved Hakkai...
I hope that answers your questions, my love. Am I ever going to love you the way you love me? Finally, I can. Finally, I will. Finally, I do
posted by just another soul heading west at 3:24 AM
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