Just because it's portable...
Dear hakaryu...
It would seem my awareness of my own personal journey has started again.
Hakkai and I are writing a novel and I'll be honest it's getting that whole upper realities feel. Funny how he and I write that the first rule of anime is "it is never just a game" when for us that could be written as "it is never just a novel"...the character I am writing and I'm still getting a feel for him is a powerful mage with some serious issues that hold him back, most of which stem from his battle to be independant and his innate nature to need to rely on another for things some take for granted as easy...okay I know the element of story can get autobiographical but c'mon....I didn't even intend to go there...Beltane was supposed to be based on some of the strongest beings that resonate in my soul and writing him(and I love how Hakkai pointed this out to me) is like exploring a character I love in fanfic without people demanding I follow the canon...because every thing we write is the canon...and this is turn means whatever the character experiences and whatever he is in the moment and whereever I take him is right for him and it is tells his story...
So that's where the wheels start turning what if what I experience, whatever moment I am in, wherever I move next is my canon...the story that creates and defines me...well if it that's true there is a whole lot working to create and define me right now and I'm going to pause and see if I can't see it
Where to start...because it is all around me...I have to take stock of what I was and what I am right now...paperwork is piling up on me asking me to define these complicated things...how much can you lift...how far can you walk...the things that determine a person's worth and ability in the world of the bottom line...things I have a tendancy to avoid but to reach my goal I have to do it I have to look at all of it...the loss of the ability to drive, the truth about how tired I get when i try to hard...I'm learning the difference between acceptance and self-pity by being forced to be honest with myself...
Because what I can't do may not be as important as what i can do...maybe even what I can't do(see watch this, the character's weaknesses) leads me to what I can do(why this character is worth telling a story about) ...so the Source made me imperfections and all because that is the only way I could be the main character in my story...I have a innate need to give(often too much, like I'm trying to get recognition for it, which I am not but it is often perceived that way)...if I were "normal" I would follow a very different path, I would work 70 hours a week regardless of what people said they wanted or needed from me...I'd be trying to be Superman everyday...
I wouldn't be looking for meaning and I wouldn't be finding it...I"d be RULED by the bottom line and think that is completely acceptable...yet I trash myself because I can't give enough or do enough and I miss what I could have really done or given in that moment...
I'm so busy trying to prove I don't need this and I don't need that that my honest needs go unheard because I can't begin to recognize them and I fabricate others. I need Hakkai's love and his understanding why do I ask for so much more... because I don't really know where to stop because my idea of betrayal has been formed by not dealing with the difference between real betrayal and perceived...
If a beloved one dies and a friend suddenly is no where to be found when you need them...are they your friend...what if they try to make it up to you later...what if they've always said they love you and they'll always be there...what if they have given you good times and nice things...how the hell do you know...
well my answer has always been to try and never make someone I love have to answer those kind of questions immediately putting more pressure on myself and the other person than there has to be...my decisive actions are based on the question "what would you want me to do to communicate to you that I mean all the things I've ever said about loving you so you never have to doubt and so in turn you never have a reason to be fed up with me because i am perfect, I have found a way to make myself and still be perfect for you and i know that any less than that is enough for you to be perfectly justified in hating me and leaving me forever alone"...that is a mouthful...I swear I am going to buy some of those letter beads and make a "what would Sanzo do" bracelet just to remind myself how CRAZY my actual thought process and what would question are...if people chose to be with me, love me...then all they really want is what I would do or they are lying to me and not worth my love...so why the hell must my whole life be ruled by such a long paragraph that even circles back on itself...
But I have totally digressed from my original intent. I have a easel now...never really had one, only really asked for it because it was getting way too hard to balance the skctchpad on my knees and still have energy to draw....Hakkai didn't buy me a simple one either he got me one that is sturdy and metal and adjustable not to mention portable it all fits in this small oblong bag so I'll be able to take it to Fernwood and over to the water sprite's if i want pretty cool...but just because it CAN be folded up and brought somewhere else does that mean I should leave it in the bag. Isn't it important enough to have a spot here...of course while I am wrestling with that it occurs to me it's about more than the easel...haven't i been doing the exact same thing with my art...wow this is pretty awesome being able to make these pictures but I can't do it all the time so I'll make it smaller and unobtrusive when I can't use it...should an artist ever do that, should the ability to create be able to be folded away and set aside for later...what really happens if you do that to yourself how much of you are you stuffing in a small albeit handy bag...but don't we do it all the time...I think I am discovering that anything that can be packed and stay packed doesn't need to be in the jeep on the journey west and anything that can be packed to make sure it comes with has it's own special packaging to get it from point A to point B but it's true value can only be seen if it is allowed to breathe...I also think just now that is a fascinating way to look at body and soul...a body is the special package for the valuable soul...it is not a limitation on it just the vessel that gets it from point A to point B...my soul is bigger than my body it extends out in every word a say, every time I touch, every line i draw...as long as I don't keep my soul crammed in the bag zippered up tight...does the packaging matter, do my physical limitations matter...my soul can still extend out and do what it needs to breathe, to live, to flourish...all I really need to do with the vessel is care for it and stop hating it and wishing it was more than it is...I will have to find a place for that easel now because I answered my own question it IS too important to keep it set aside for later just because it is portable............
It would seem my awareness of my own personal journey has started again.
Hakkai and I are writing a novel and I'll be honest it's getting that whole upper realities feel. Funny how he and I write that the first rule of anime is "it is never just a game" when for us that could be written as "it is never just a novel"...the character I am writing and I'm still getting a feel for him is a powerful mage with some serious issues that hold him back, most of which stem from his battle to be independant and his innate nature to need to rely on another for things some take for granted as easy...okay I know the element of story can get autobiographical but c'mon....I didn't even intend to go there...Beltane was supposed to be based on some of the strongest beings that resonate in my soul and writing him(and I love how Hakkai pointed this out to me) is like exploring a character I love in fanfic without people demanding I follow the canon...because every thing we write is the canon...and this is turn means whatever the character experiences and whatever he is in the moment and whereever I take him is right for him and it is tells his story...
So that's where the wheels start turning what if what I experience, whatever moment I am in, wherever I move next is my canon...the story that creates and defines me...well if it that's true there is a whole lot working to create and define me right now and I'm going to pause and see if I can't see it
Where to start...because it is all around me...I have to take stock of what I was and what I am right now...paperwork is piling up on me asking me to define these complicated things...how much can you lift...how far can you walk...the things that determine a person's worth and ability in the world of the bottom line...things I have a tendancy to avoid but to reach my goal I have to do it I have to look at all of it...the loss of the ability to drive, the truth about how tired I get when i try to hard...I'm learning the difference between acceptance and self-pity by being forced to be honest with myself...
Because what I can't do may not be as important as what i can do...maybe even what I can't do(see watch this, the character's weaknesses) leads me to what I can do(why this character is worth telling a story about) ...so the Source made me imperfections and all because that is the only way I could be the main character in my story...I have a innate need to give(often too much, like I'm trying to get recognition for it, which I am not but it is often perceived that way)...if I were "normal" I would follow a very different path, I would work 70 hours a week regardless of what people said they wanted or needed from me...I'd be trying to be Superman everyday...
I wouldn't be looking for meaning and I wouldn't be finding it...I"d be RULED by the bottom line and think that is completely acceptable...yet I trash myself because I can't give enough or do enough and I miss what I could have really done or given in that moment...
I'm so busy trying to prove I don't need this and I don't need that that my honest needs go unheard because I can't begin to recognize them and I fabricate others. I need Hakkai's love and his understanding why do I ask for so much more... because I don't really know where to stop because my idea of betrayal has been formed by not dealing with the difference between real betrayal and perceived...
If a beloved one dies and a friend suddenly is no where to be found when you need them...are they your friend...what if they try to make it up to you later...what if they've always said they love you and they'll always be there...what if they have given you good times and nice things...how the hell do you know...
well my answer has always been to try and never make someone I love have to answer those kind of questions immediately putting more pressure on myself and the other person than there has to be...my decisive actions are based on the question "what would you want me to do to communicate to you that I mean all the things I've ever said about loving you so you never have to doubt and so in turn you never have a reason to be fed up with me because i am perfect, I have found a way to make myself and still be perfect for you and i know that any less than that is enough for you to be perfectly justified in hating me and leaving me forever alone"...that is a mouthful...I swear I am going to buy some of those letter beads and make a "what would Sanzo do" bracelet just to remind myself how CRAZY my actual thought process and what would question are...if people chose to be with me, love me...then all they really want is what I would do or they are lying to me and not worth my love...so why the hell must my whole life be ruled by such a long paragraph that even circles back on itself...
But I have totally digressed from my original intent. I have a easel now...never really had one, only really asked for it because it was getting way too hard to balance the skctchpad on my knees and still have energy to draw....Hakkai didn't buy me a simple one either he got me one that is sturdy and metal and adjustable not to mention portable it all fits in this small oblong bag so I'll be able to take it to Fernwood and over to the water sprite's if i want pretty cool...but just because it CAN be folded up and brought somewhere else does that mean I should leave it in the bag. Isn't it important enough to have a spot here...of course while I am wrestling with that it occurs to me it's about more than the easel...haven't i been doing the exact same thing with my art...wow this is pretty awesome being able to make these pictures but I can't do it all the time so I'll make it smaller and unobtrusive when I can't use it...should an artist ever do that, should the ability to create be able to be folded away and set aside for later...what really happens if you do that to yourself how much of you are you stuffing in a small albeit handy bag...but don't we do it all the time...I think I am discovering that anything that can be packed and stay packed doesn't need to be in the jeep on the journey west and anything that can be packed to make sure it comes with has it's own special packaging to get it from point A to point B but it's true value can only be seen if it is allowed to breathe...I also think just now that is a fascinating way to look at body and soul...a body is the special package for the valuable soul...it is not a limitation on it just the vessel that gets it from point A to point B...my soul is bigger than my body it extends out in every word a say, every time I touch, every line i draw...as long as I don't keep my soul crammed in the bag zippered up tight...does the packaging matter, do my physical limitations matter...my soul can still extend out and do what it needs to breathe, to live, to flourish...all I really need to do with the vessel is care for it and stop hating it and wishing it was more than it is...I will have to find a place for that easel now because I answered my own question it IS too important to keep it set aside for later just because it is portable............
posted by just another soul heading west at 3:28 AM
2 Comments:
It occurs to me (as the inner jukebox barrels out "Bigger Than My Body" by John Mayer) that perhaps your body is less functional than those around you because it has to be... If you spent all your time working 9-5 like the everyday jerk, flipping burgers, shooting prisoners.... paying bills, running errands.. your mind would not have time to think, wander, dive into such extreme, amazing and deep places when it is filled with all that day-to-day stuff... You are not like me, Monk, you are not a multi-tasker.. so the Merciful said, looking down at you, able-bodied, busied with all the daily grind and totally missing your point and purpose in all the monateny and said "Here, Konzen, have a monkey to distract you and interrupt your work and make you stop stamping paperwork and pay attention to the real world..." *stops to wonder if you're getting the analagy*
The Universe caused your body to slow down so you would have to slow down inside and how much of yourself have you realised, how much more have you come to understand about you since you've been out of the daily grind....
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