best thing I could have received...

Dear Hakaryu, I warn you now this one is going to be sappy

In the course of my life I've never really been able to give any person enough to say thank you for all the wonderful things they do...as I just turned thirty I was starting to think that it wasn't in me ...perhaps I was too much of a failure at too many things...
I'm not talking about friends I admit to "buying" love and friendship from I speak of the handful of people that I would rather starve than see them go hungry...if i ever truly have wisdom they are the ones I would like to show how to be free...
Hakkai is my soulmate. he is haunted by a past that proves your past does not make you who you are but how you deal with it does. he tells me stories when he confides in me that break my heart. for years I have loved him and watched him fall, every time he got close to happiness he would find a way to deny himself it. today I saw something in him, heard something in his voice that stopped my heart...that is I heard his true voice for a moment and saw his true smile(it is far more lovely than the one he usually shares with the world) and I realized if I change absolutely nothing else in this world I helped show him he was free to be as alive as he always wished...it is the greatest joy I have ever known now I only ask the Source to grant me the wisdom to never do anything to make him question his freedom from the heartbreak he thought life was again...

though truly it was the least I could do for the one who gave me the strength to face the Unknown and turn a devestated soul into it's true form. I can believe and discover how the modest of mettles become the greatest elements...it is because of him that I can be an Alkhemiyst...it is because of him that I can offer the views about freedom I possess...

that horizon is dazzling today because he sees it too...

here's a bizarre question as it will likely lead into a heavier thought on the element of sound...I ask it of you and I will ask it of myself for the week i think...as part of Shuichi's Songs....what lyrics go past your entertained ears and infiltrate your soul...providing comfort or inspiration or even profound sadness...it is profound if it resonates in you...that is the only criteria...
An example..laugh if you will..Puff the magic dragon used to make me weep because at oh about as early as eight or so I knew I would someday lose the magic of childhood(about the time I realized my beloved Grandmother would die)...when the two events of becoming an adult and losing her occured it was that song I thought of...of course now I believe the little boy who the song is about did discover a way to his dragon again and the song is only part of the story...and for those of you who are going um hello Puff was written about toking i say this why something is written and what it means are not the same thing...and to really stand by my version i ask how do you know the writer didn't toke because they had lost their ability to imagine and dream like a child...sometimes drugs are just an atificial means to get back a feeling most adults can never touch again..when a million voices tell you the dragons are not real and nothing but childish fantasy and you still want to see them what else can you do...you are always searching..we don't all become drug addicts, per say but we still have our addictions to forget that pain...if only everyone could realize or have some one wonderful enough in their life to help them realize the dragons or unicorns or fairies never stopped existing they just let the rest of the world convince them they weren't there or they were wrong..
The song that grabs me now and won't let me go speaks to me on several levels...it dares me to be something that seems unreachable...it speaks to the tormented artist i have inside...it tells a sad story that serves as a warning to anyone trying to be an Alkhemyist because once you see beauty you can't help but want others to see it...once you attain enlightment of any kind you can't help but want to show others how...but you mustn't look for the result, you can only live and teach by example...I don't think Buddha waits at the gate of heaven planning to be the last one in..I think he keeps being reincarnated so he can show people how to find enlightenment by living and teaching by example...and I think by the very nature of being human he's not perfect and sometimes he forgets who is and all he knows...and when a soul like that forgets who he is and all he knows you get a song like this...
Starry starry night
Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
lyrics are black my comments are red...to be an artist is to see the world differently and constantly be compelled to show the world it can be seen differently...and that includes being able to exprees deepest grief and brightest joy because you have known them...
Shadows on the hills,Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity,How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how.
oh to be remembered so fondly as that...for some one to see your wisdom...what an accompilshment...for someone to understand a hundred years later what you meant...ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS...
Perhaps they'll listen now.
Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of China blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity,How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
For they could not love you
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ...die tragically then someday your words will have meaning..kill yourself because others didn't understand your attempt to show them beauty...and they write a hauntingly beautiful song about you too...but let's be honest when I feel worthless that sentiment sounds pretty damn romantic...this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you...wow...cool i'd like to be that incredible
Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless head on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in the ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity,How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will.

this song haunts me in a way no other does...because I know without the painter there is no painting...his act of taking his life did not bring greater value to his Work it robbed the world of the beauty he had yet to create...not only didn't "they" understand him but did he really understand himself...and they can't listen if you are not there to speak and I believe each soul has an individual voice and no one can voice the truth of another's soul as well as the person themselves(or their next incarnation)...but it haunts me as well because I do believe I'm an old soul I don't who or what I was before but living as myth is not the life path for a newborn soul or weak-willed incarnation..so I'm guessing in that time I, like Vincent, have made some similar foolish mistakes getting to caught up in what "they" listen to...even if i am only trying to get them to listen to them selves..and I recognize the stirring in me to sometimes romanticize the idea of being too beautiful in heart and mind for this world, to egotistically strive to be that...in truth I never want a song like this written about me...I would rather live a rich full life while "they" ignore me...even while I try to get them to listen..then have to die tragically to be called a visionary,to have people listen...besides like the song says even after they aren't listening still...look at the one of the master storytellers... he died...they even say it was for them...and they definately don't understand a word he was trying to say...
Maybe the hardest truth about being a Living Myth is your stories and visions will only live as long as you do...the best legacy you can leave is that another voice can reflect the inherent truths you tried to share...until you return to the level of wisdom you had in a new life and then some then maybe you can dust off your stories and try again...but I would guess poor Vincent is still working towards being the great artist he once was as he never learned the value of his gift in life.
Source , don't ever let this traveller make the same mistake...

The sleeping elemental inside...

Dear Hakaryu,
Well here we are at 5 in the morning again...I wonder if everyone is smarter or at least less censored when they first wake up...ah well, that's a meandering for another day...
And that means look out world it's time for another round of Sanzo's monkly musing mayhem...as well as a new addition Shuichi's lyrical wisdom(that would be where I just chronicle and possibly discuss some of my favorite lyrics or even just ones that struck me or coincided with the day)
So we'll start there and see what happens...
"This child has grown into a dead end. since I lost the power to pretend"-sad, very sad
"But old news can change, as memories float downstream. so don't judge me by my failures but only by my dreams"-anthemic, powerful
And both of these are in the same song(Non-Toxic by Sr-71)

Onto the musings now...I wanted to talk more about the elementals from my point of view...take what you will from it Hakaryu...like everything else it is only my opinion and I share it only to spark my free thinking and yours. Take it to heart if you wish...dismiss it as trash...use it to start a movement of free-thinkers....whichever it motivates you to do...
We all possess the potential to become elementals. Somewhere deep inside our souls locked away and needing to be cultivated is our understanding of our world, what we inherently know and what we are here to learn. Of the seven elements I believe to exist, a human soul has the power to become an elemental of one, two or all of them. Though I do believe we all have elements we feel a stroger connection to than others, there is nothing elitest about my theory. See TohmaMakubex's recent journal entry for why this might be so, it is fascinating...
But what I want to talk today about is potential and cultivation. Several people have called me a Story elemental. I'd like to thank them, it is something I try very hard to embrace and cultivate in myself. And I do believe it is the main element driving me on this life's journey. But if Story is my drive...Sound is my guide to inner knowledge...Soul is my constant companion teaching me graciousness...Home is the place I seek and sometimes see...Water nourishes my body...Wind leads me where I need to be...and Fire sparks the power in me to change.
That's a simple explanation of what each element is to me and when I tap into my own connection to each. It and I are the same and we learn from each other. Now not going too off-topic but what I mean by that is I believe we as human beings are responsible for caring for and culitvating the elements that stir and provide this world's heartbeat. Any one who acknoweledges their inherent connections with them feeds them and makes them eternal while the Source creates lines of communication to us directly through them. What a wonderful win win situation! This is actually part of the Alkhemyist practice of becoming Living Myth-the actual mission for a human Story elemental. I'd tell you more about the missions for the other six main elements but my faith is always growing and shaping itself(in other words I've just discovered there are such things)--but then I'm trying to create my own religion based on the idea of teaching others how to do the same for themselves--it will take a lifetime no doubt...
So the song...I just wanted to comment on the 'power to pretend' I think many people have lost it and that is a sad thing because pretending is a powerful way to draw on the creative power of the Source. Also a great exercise to cultivate the Story elemental within. It is not a new idea. Many faiths teach meditations where you imagine yourself as the falling leaves or the warm sun...this is what I'm talking about...I've just adapted the idea to include "pretending"...get so involved in a book or movie or (dear to my heart) anime that you are there and see what happens...see yourself as the character you most like or resemble... what can that teach you...if watching with a group who do they see themselves as? How about you?...then way way out there can you go further...write a journal entry from that character's point of view...find a new joy by doing something the character does(i.e. you've never tried gardening, but Sam from the Lord of the Rings grabs you by your heart...whether you think you are so much like him or wish to be...so you take up gardening and before you know it you are making teas and herbal remedies for others or opening a greenhouse..Sam had something to teach you then didn't he?...but would you have learned it if you dismissed the idea and freedom to pretend as silly...probably not)...ah if you could only go to a Story reader like you do a tarot reader when you seek direction in life..I can see it now..."go rent (enter movie title here) or read(enter book title here) and all will be revealed"...
maybe I'll make myself a Story Tarot someday though how that would work I'd have to work out...
on the other side there are days where you just know you have to buy this book or watch this new anime or movie or revisit an old favorite so at least some of time you can be your own guide but it would be cool to have a tool of some sort to help when intuition takes a holiday(Like when the little man in Goyjo's head takes a vacation)
---SanzoShuichi

just a cute little pic in honor of the Yugioh movie!!!!!!!!!!!

Quiz results...

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Hey Hakaryu, check out this cool quiz result!

Watership Down! how cool is that. It's one of my favorite books of all time. That and Don Quixote are my favorite classics. Newer favorite has to be the Harry Potter series, but I suppose that is a classic in it's own right.
What I like best about this quiz is gets me thinking of a topic near and dear to my heart..stories and storytelling. I believe there are more than the traditional four elements actually(or some say five) because I believe life would cease to continue without Story and Sound. For me there are seven then..Fire, Wind, Water, Home(Earth is only a part of the element of home) Soul, Story and Sound. I also believe elementals exist in many forms, from fairies to pets to best friends. Of course people can be elemetals, we are living loving and yes, imperfect, human beings but we still posess great wisdom and magic.
So I want to talk about fluffy bunnies and Jesus today. Now you see where this whole Watership Down thing has led...
What is a fluffy bunny? It's someone usually not taken seriously. A pagan with no structure. No known rulebook. Also known as an airy fairy. Now some people are just interested in candles that have scents that invite seduction or love spells and the like...but some Christians are only interested in going to church on Sunday to get in good with god while they turn their back on their supposed beliefs every other day of the week. I would say the first group gives bunnies and fairies just as bad a name as the second group does to Bible thumpers(perhaps another kind of bunny altogether)....
But Watership Down talks about something seen as rather silly or just cute in a deep mature manner. Through those rabbits we learn things about our own beliefs, our own resolve, and our own significance in the world if we allow the element of Story to touch our hearts that is...which makes me think twice about my own brand of wisdom I too have often been seen as someone who is just all fluff and no substance when in reality I have a lot to say and strong beliefs I stand by.
Now on to someone I think was a very awesome person...Jesus. Here I believe is a great example of a person who was also an elemental. I believe he was one of the greatest storytellers of all time. The magic and wisdom he brought to his parables some of the greatest examples of story magic of all time. Am I Christian? Hell no, I hate the idea of Christ. I think they took a beautiful wise person and made him into a controlling force for the church. It boggles my mind how any one can say they understand Jesus's words and then go on about how Christ died for them. Jesus was only being the great storyteller he was born to be and took great joy in being. Miracles happened around him because he had the gift of helping the faithless find faith in something bigger than them and within them at the same time. His words all but scream think for your selves, discover God for yourselves...and that was seen as dangerous so they made him a matyr for conformity. Jesus didn't die for their sins, Jesus was murdered and Christ was created to cement the power of the church in the coming phases of time.
But that's just one fluffy bunny's opinion right...what do I know?

more musings...

Dear Hakaryu,

Ok let's try this again but not in the Html part..
You know it's funny I recently realized how little I meant to a whole group of people and here I am suddenly feeling much much more loved by a greater group of people than I thought..so thank you, YukiHakkai, GoyjoHiro and Chibi, DK,and of course TohmaMakubeX...it's much harder to miss the temple I came from that is no longer there when I wouldn't rather be anywhere but on the road with all of you...

Hakkai and I were talking yesterday(who by the way when waxing philosophical can say the most brilliant things)..I was sliding into grumpy monk who is soon coming on a pretty BIG birthday mode...and I tried to explain to him how scary life had become because there is no going back to the life I knew growing up but there also doesn't seem to be any set path ahead of me...you know like in High School you can see college or straight to the workforce as clear options and there is an easy comfort about having those choices in front of you...or as a child when you just know you want to be Santa Claus or a pilot or a candy maker(yeah, those were all some of mine) and you see "clearly" what the path involves...

but now I sit here in this house and do the things I do and it's like either way I turn there's a vacuum on either side of me and it makes me frightened and a little sad...Hakkai was so loving and he says to me he understands but that it is a good thing... that now I am truly free to have my dreams...
and then he asked me what my dreams were and how he wanted me to tell him all about them in a way that made me feel so happy and sad at the same time beacause right now I feel like a big dreamer who is a big fake..why? beacause I don't think I have any dreams...
Hakkai just smiles the smile only he poseesses and tells me that's why I'm free because I get to start dreaming all over again as the person I am now who is in some ways vastly different that who I was but still everybit of the person he fell in love with...then he uses the Saiyuki thing on me and tells me where we are is in the Jeep...and our dreams are on the horizon...and that is exactly where we want them and exactly where he wants to be..so it's ok to enjoy the ride and not get to caught up on where we are headed...we've overcome many things to be here together heading West...

maybe the fear comes from living out a dream fulfilled while searching for the next...

So, dreams change...you'd think I'd know that with as much as I believe in the power to change...but I've always been so afraid of changing my dreams...afraid that would make me a hypocrite.....

too many people who meant a great deal to me have faded away and this is why I've always feared it of every one I love...if any one out there does this STOP you are killing yourselves...I have spent my entire life being a dreamer...talking about and doing some of the craziest things...supporting friends in there craziest soulful notions...and this has been the truth... every word of it...
but the deeper belief I had was the REASON I was like that...why people loved me for it was because someday I would be able to give them so much back...I'd prove my worth and shower them with everything I could when I finally became something...yet the minute I became something that wasn't the SOMETHING they would get the most out of they vanished like melting ice slivers...then I go forward thinking I'm a hypocrite and a liar becuase I let THEM down......my optimism existed solely to make something wonderful down the line for them and I lost complete sight of myself...they think of me as dead to them mostly now or hate me with the passion of a thousand suns....they never got the return on the investment so to speak, so I've been running around clock watching fearing I would not become something or someone of worth in time before the next round(and the last ) of cherished people in my life gave up on me.......

But i think I am finally at the point where the people I hold close aren't waiting for anything...they love me now...not to say, they don't believe in me and know I could accomplish great things...but they aren't waiting for it...if I was gone today, they wouldn't miss what I could have given them but they'd miss me...just me...exactly who I am this moment, right now...so maybe I'm getting older but I think I like where I am and how much I've learned so far...and if at 29 I can absorb these truths then I'm out of the race with myself a lot sooner than most and it's time to just be really good at being the person they love right now
I guess it's time for this dreamer to really look at the horizon...

My first quiz results

It's me!


Genjo Sanzo


Which Saiyuki Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Shuiichi.
silly. childish. a dreamer

You are Shuiichi, the incredibly childish singer of
Bad Luck.
You have always wanted to be like your idol
'Ryuiichi Sakuma'.
You are clingy, obsessive, and a cry baby. But you
love everyone
around you, including your coldhearted boyfriend.
You are not one
to carry deep scars. You always heal, and carry on
life with a
happy face.


Gravitation quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

Journey musings for today...

Dear Hakaryu,
It's been a frustrating week, the damn computer just doesn't want to cooperate at all...
I've also decided to have a little fun with this...friends will be referred to by their Saiyuki or Gravitation names to protect the guilty...you know who you are but only WE know we really are...see I'm sneaky
(btw,I don't give a damn if the dot dot dots bother anyone...they don't bother me or Hakaryu)
Saw the funniest thing(though it's one of those things that might not be as funny as it was at that moment in time.) Hakkai and I were returning on our quest to find a good poker/Monopoly/Mahjong table and we saw a Garage Sale sign posted in front of a cemetary...this alone struck me as funny...but I turn to point it out to Hakkai and he looks at me as only he can and we share that moment of awareness(you know the no, you aren't crazy I saw it too, moment) then he shrugs and deadpans "Well, you can't take it with you"....I couldn't stop laughing!!!!!!! Before I forget I just want to say yesterday was a really special day with my beloved Hakkai even though it was not very extrordinary, I spent most of it just in awe of how lucky I am to have him in my heart and by my side.
So begins a new quest, I have three anime soundtracks really want to get our hands on...Saiyuki Requiem, Four songs---Naruto Original Soundtrack--and the ever elusive opening and closing themes of Get Backers which are not on the OST for regular sale I've looked...but we'll find them Hakaryu I promise...
Ah, the calendar..will I finish it on time...well Hakkai wants it by September so I need to get cracking...next up, Aya from Weiss Kreuz then Daisuke from Heat Guy J..then I'm gonna kick back and just do some fun fanart and pieces for the ultimate Yaoi oracle I've envisioned.
Grumble grumble..10 days until...you all know what, first one that says it will be face to face with my banishing gun!
Sanzo
On a much lighter note, my YUKI is taking me to see De-Lovely today and I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he bought me some really cool Japanese sneakers..no really we found them at goodwill for a dollar fifty but they are the coolest sneakers ever. Big platforms with gaudy as hell brown orange and blue designs...they go with nothing at all so they go with everthing. If Naruto wore sneakers instead of those cute ninja sandals(gotta get me some of those) these would be it...
Shuichi

Continuing the Journey

Dear Hakaryu,
Well I was going to say this is a beginning, but I've learned enough to know beginnings and endings are better classified as significant events. Some of my greatest losses have resulted in untold gain and vice versa.
So even for a first post continuing seems the best way to say it.
You probably recognize the allusions to Saiyuki well I do not apologize for it. I believe wisdom can be found in the most surprising places and it can be most profound.
I want to mention at least one of my reasons for this. My friends, my companions, my soulmates, a handful of people that I hold sacred. Like Sanzo, I must relearn every day it seems of their true worth. And, even more so, how much I mean to them despite my sometimes downright devestating bad attitude. You'll get to know them too in time.
So, what is this for? Everything and anything. My thoughts, my hopes,my theories, my observations,my thanksgiving, my favorite things...
It is a doorway to my soul that I must open for myself...you will be with me every step of the way...